It's been a little over three months since my last post. I had forgotten all the words. The person who wrote them seemed a little more positive than the person writing today...or maybe I just wish she were. Its more depressing to think I am still in the same place, feeling the same pain. I wrote that three months ago, three friggin months, a quarter of a year! Sadly, nothing has changed. Well, things might have actually declined.
I am alone.
It has been so long since I wasn't alone, I barely remember how it felt. I know in my mind how it felt to have someone, but it has faded from my soul. I'm married, by all government standards. Some might think my depression is why I feel alone. Maybe. If that's the case, I wish I felt like I had someone I could turn to. My husband spews nasty comments towards me like a dragon's fire in a children's fairy tale. Every day, "I'm done. I'm outta here. I want a divorce. I'm going to cheat on you. I work every chance I can to get away from you." echo in my ears. The only time he treats me like a stranger is when he wants to be sexual. All other 23 hours and 8 minutes of those days and the full days in between, I am treated like a Hitler who brutally murdered his entire family and crapped on their bodies. I'm have no idea where his hostility towards me originates. I think it was a genetic gift handed down from generation to generation. He isn't physically violent to me. He keeps the wounds invisible to all eyes but mine. If I wasn't still recovering from my illness, and required all the prescription medicine, I would leave him. I'm stuck for now. There is no way I could survive without the insurance.
Because of my emotionally and mentally abusive "marriage", I found myself isolated from my friends. I kept in contact occasionally with one, but talking to her brought me down almost as deep as my husband . Our conversations got less and less until stopped completely.
My dad died in 1999 in an accident. My mom has never really been the same since. She prefers to live like a hermit and shows no desire to speak to anyone. I would call or text her almost daily, but she rarely answered and more rarely returned my calls. I quit trying. I know if she needs something, she will call. My dad wasn't close to his family, so I don't know them. Most of my mom's family is gone. The few remaining were pushed away by her when I was younger. I have a sister who left her family three days after Christmas and hasn't been heard of since. If you drive by the freeway on the right day, you can see her begging for money, strung out on dope.
I've heard that "you're never alone, Jesus is always with you" since I was a child. I believe in God and Jesus. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to FEEL differently. I wish I could say a prayer or drink a magic potion to feel Jesus with me. I think I have always been a little "needy". I've always desired the company of someone. The emptiness has increased substantially within the past few years. Each day I feel more isolated. I remember the outgoing person I was 7 years ago. I never had to search for someone to talk to. Oh what I would give for a hug right now, a bear hug. Now I'm crying again with the tight yearning creeping up my throat. I despise that ache.
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