It's been a little over three months since my last post. I had forgotten all the words. The person who wrote them seemed a little more positive than the person writing today...or maybe I just wish she were. Its more depressing to think I am still in the same place, feeling the same pain. I wrote that three months ago, three friggin months, a quarter of a year! Sadly, nothing has changed. Well, things might have actually declined.
I am alone.
It has been so long since I wasn't alone, I barely remember how it felt. I know in my mind how it felt to have someone, but it has faded from my soul. I'm married, by all government standards. Some might think my depression is why I feel alone. Maybe. If that's the case, I wish I felt like I had someone I could turn to. My husband spews nasty comments towards me like a dragon's fire in a children's fairy tale. Every day, "I'm done. I'm outta here. I want a divorce. I'm going to cheat on you. I work every chance I can to get away from you." echo in my ears. The only time he treats me like a stranger is when he wants to be sexual. All other 23 hours and 8 minutes of those days and the full days in between, I am treated like a Hitler who brutally murdered his entire family and crapped on their bodies. I'm have no idea where his hostility towards me originates. I think it was a genetic gift handed down from generation to generation. He isn't physically violent to me. He keeps the wounds invisible to all eyes but mine. If I wasn't still recovering from my illness, and required all the prescription medicine, I would leave him. I'm stuck for now. There is no way I could survive without the insurance.
Because of my emotionally and mentally abusive "marriage", I found myself isolated from my friends. I kept in contact occasionally with one, but talking to her brought me down almost as deep as my husband . Our conversations got less and less until stopped completely.
My dad died in 1999 in an accident. My mom has never really been the same since. She prefers to live like a hermit and shows no desire to speak to anyone. I would call or text her almost daily, but she rarely answered and more rarely returned my calls. I quit trying. I know if she needs something, she will call. My dad wasn't close to his family, so I don't know them. Most of my mom's family is gone. The few remaining were pushed away by her when I was younger. I have a sister who left her family three days after Christmas and hasn't been heard of since. If you drive by the freeway on the right day, you can see her begging for money, strung out on dope.
I've heard that "you're never alone, Jesus is always with you" since I was a child. I believe in God and Jesus. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to FEEL differently. I wish I could say a prayer or drink a magic potion to feel Jesus with me. I think I have always been a little "needy". I've always desired the company of someone. The emptiness has increased substantially within the past few years. Each day I feel more isolated. I remember the outgoing person I was 7 years ago. I never had to search for someone to talk to. Oh what I would give for a hug right now, a bear hug. Now I'm crying again with the tight yearning creeping up my throat. I despise that ache.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
I didn't grow up in a trailer park. I don't live in an actual trailer park now. I live in a single wide, baby. My home is strategically placed a few feet away from my brother-in-law's double wide. His is feet from another single wide, which is currently abandoned, with the in-laws on the other side of that one. So, it is a private trailer park. We like to "keep it in the family".
My husband is a trailer rat...inside and out. I jokingly told a friend a few months back," trailer park isn't where you live, its a frame of mind". I didn't realize how true that statement was until today. For seven years I have been living in a miserable hell. I have hated living next to my in-laws, who were raised to abide by the Jerry Springer Handbook of Life. Every disagreement my husband and I had inevitably resulted in my husband's entire family (dad, brother, sister n law, niece, nephew, whoever the niece and nephew were dating at the time) in the front yard cussing at me, chest bumping me, poking me in the forehead with fingers, spitting in my face, etc. My husband would run to them to tattle on me regularly. Finally, my husband started to see them for what they really were, and he made the decision to build a home. We met with a builder and bought a lot in the next town over. I thought my life was finally going to be better. We are one month from our move in date, and my husband and I got into an argument. He threw up "divorce" and told me there wasn't going to be a new home. I have never felt so depleted. I know the divorce threat is just that. My husband has been making that threat since day one. He's bipolar or narcissistic or both. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't continue to live where we are.
It's more complicated than living next to trashy neighbors. See, my husband had an affair with his sister-n-law a short time before I met him. I didn't find out until after we were married. That's another thing I have had the burden of carrying. His brother doesn't know. So, not only have I been living next to in-laws, I've had to live a few feet away from my husband's former lover. Each time a disagreement ensued between my husband and I, he paraded over to confide in his family, which includes the ex lover. The ex lover made my transition into the family nonproductive. There were so many lies she told about me. I never had a chance of being accepted. Of course, no one knew of the affair, so no one had any reason to doubt the authenticity of her stories.
I don't know how I went from a pretty, well liked young woman to what I have become. I had lots of friends. I made friends easily. I was fairly successful. I had self esteem. I was happy. Now, I have nothing. I am an almost 40 year old with so many health problems stemming from stress. I had to leave from my employment due to health issues. I have no self esteem. I have gained some weight from the stress. I cry every day. If not for my young children, I would have nothing to live for. I rarely see friends. If I accidentally bump into one in the market, they usually ask what happened to me. I had a close friend tell me that I have no sparkle in my eyes anymore. She also asked why I seemed so depressed. The happy days seem so far away. I have to remind myself that I really did have a happy life. It seems like I was a different person who loved life. Maybe it was a dream? How can one man take a vibrant person and flip them into a complete waste of flesh? Why did I allow it? I have researched domestic abuse and why women allow it to continue. I still don't understand it. I do know it has happened to me. I hope I am able to gain the strength to leave the trailer park.
My husband is a trailer rat...inside and out. I jokingly told a friend a few months back," trailer park isn't where you live, its a frame of mind". I didn't realize how true that statement was until today. For seven years I have been living in a miserable hell. I have hated living next to my in-laws, who were raised to abide by the Jerry Springer Handbook of Life. Every disagreement my husband and I had inevitably resulted in my husband's entire family (dad, brother, sister n law, niece, nephew, whoever the niece and nephew were dating at the time) in the front yard cussing at me, chest bumping me, poking me in the forehead with fingers, spitting in my face, etc. My husband would run to them to tattle on me regularly. Finally, my husband started to see them for what they really were, and he made the decision to build a home. We met with a builder and bought a lot in the next town over. I thought my life was finally going to be better. We are one month from our move in date, and my husband and I got into an argument. He threw up "divorce" and told me there wasn't going to be a new home. I have never felt so depleted. I know the divorce threat is just that. My husband has been making that threat since day one. He's bipolar or narcissistic or both. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't continue to live where we are.
It's more complicated than living next to trashy neighbors. See, my husband had an affair with his sister-n-law a short time before I met him. I didn't find out until after we were married. That's another thing I have had the burden of carrying. His brother doesn't know. So, not only have I been living next to in-laws, I've had to live a few feet away from my husband's former lover. Each time a disagreement ensued between my husband and I, he paraded over to confide in his family, which includes the ex lover. The ex lover made my transition into the family nonproductive. There were so many lies she told about me. I never had a chance of being accepted. Of course, no one knew of the affair, so no one had any reason to doubt the authenticity of her stories.
I don't know how I went from a pretty, well liked young woman to what I have become. I had lots of friends. I made friends easily. I was fairly successful. I had self esteem. I was happy. Now, I have nothing. I am an almost 40 year old with so many health problems stemming from stress. I had to leave from my employment due to health issues. I have no self esteem. I have gained some weight from the stress. I cry every day. If not for my young children, I would have nothing to live for. I rarely see friends. If I accidentally bump into one in the market, they usually ask what happened to me. I had a close friend tell me that I have no sparkle in my eyes anymore. She also asked why I seemed so depressed. The happy days seem so far away. I have to remind myself that I really did have a happy life. It seems like I was a different person who loved life. Maybe it was a dream? How can one man take a vibrant person and flip them into a complete waste of flesh? Why did I allow it? I have researched domestic abuse and why women allow it to continue. I still don't understand it. I do know it has happened to me. I hope I am able to gain the strength to leave the trailer park.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)